1. |
The Meeting
03:22
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Productivity was high in the office
This morning we were truly on a roll
I'd just resolved an issue that had bothered me for weeks
And we were marching on towards another goal
But the afternoon was rudely interrupted
By a chorus of "You've got mail"
You called us to the conference room because you had some facts
And you needed to inform us straight away
So now I try to remain open-eyed
As you wade through ninety seven Powerpoint slides
And I dream of all the other ways that I could spend my life
Besides a meeting that could have been an email
You didn't even order any coffee
How do you think we'll stay awake?
You thought that you could bribe us all with sugar and with snacks
But seventeen slides in we're out of cake
I'm pretty sure you said all this last Monday
Do you really need to show us all those graphs?
Still at least I got here early for a good seat at the back
With a crossword to help the hours pass
While I try to remain open-eyed
As you wade through ninety seven Powerpoint slides
And I dream of all the other ways that I could spend my life
Besides a meeting that could have been an email
Last bullet covered
Projector's powered off
Thank goodness, it's time to get on with our jobs
Oh God no someone's asked you a question
You were nearly done and now there's more to say
Did you know that when you're not around we like to get things done?
But I've written off what's left of today
And instead I try to remain open-eyed
As you wade through ninety seven Powerpoint slides
And I dream of all the other ways that I could spend my life
Besides a meeting that could have been an email
Would anybody notice if I disappear?
If you've got some information then you haven't made it clear
I expect you are wondering why you called us here
To the meeting that could have been an email
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2. |
Vegan Pie Shop
02:54
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The phone would not stop ringing, the morning flying by
Emails coming in just as fast as we replied
And in the chaos with the backlog building up
We knew we didn't have a lot of time for lunch
So we nipped to town and back
To grab a fast food snack
Scotch Pies, Chicken Bakes, Steak and Onion slice
The cheese and bacon pasties were looking pretty nice
But instead I decided that this time I'd be bold
And picked out a freshly baked vegan sausage roll
And it's not just to cut down on meat
That I settled on this tasty pastry treat
I know it helps the planet to have eco-friendly meals
I know it helps the animals roaming in the fields
But the reason that I chose it is of national importance
I know it annoys Piers Morgan
Milk made out of protein, butter made from plants
Give the cows a break, give the sheep another chance
Whichever one came first, the chicken or the egg,
It doesn't have to matter when you're in the queue at Greggs
And the gesture may be small
But it serves a noble cause
You can do it for the planet, eat an eco-friendly meal
Do it for the animals roaming in the fields
But above all it's a matter of national importance
Do it to annoy Piers Morgan
The poor chap just can't bear
When other people care
You can do it for the planet, eat an eco-friendly meal
Do it for the animals roaming in the fields
But above all it's a matter of national importance
Do it to annoy Piers Morgan
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3. |
Am I Reading The News?
02:59
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You always are so eager to scroll your social media
You always need to check what's in your feed
The time is getting late but lured in by the clickbait you
Are hoping you'll encounter something deep
People that can make you proud or headlines where you laugh out loud
Stories that nobody could invent
But maybe this one went too far, a situation so bizarre
That finally you wonder to yourself...
Is this a source that I can trust
Or is it stuff they just made up?
Are these really someone's views
Am I reading the news?
Or is it The Onion?
Complaints from Anti-Vaxxers say demanding checking facts
Is just another word for censorship
A teacher who loved Iron Maiden must have been a Satanist
Said parents who demanded that she quit
North Koreans had been taught that Kim Il Sung could teleport
But now the state admits that couldn't be
The Japanese authorities requested of the young folks, please
To drink more booze to boost the GDP
Were these from sources I can trust
Or is it stuff they just made up?
Are these really someone's views
Am I reading the news?
Or is it The Onion?
More investigation could defy your expectations
'Cause it turns out truth is stranger than you think
So keep enjoying those reports but still be sceptical of course
And watch out where you're clicking on that link
Say Is this a source that I can trust
Or is it stuff they just made up?
Are these really someone's views
Am I reading the news?
Or is it The Onion?
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4. |
On The Run
03:17
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I'll never live this down
I can never show my face in this town
I went off the rails
And now they'll make me pay
Doomed to live in fear
Now I'm getting out of here
But wherever I go I'll look over my shoulder
Ashamed of this thing I have done
And I have to face that my life is over
And I'll spend my days on the run
Walls have ears, and eyes
Will I be recognised?
Hiding from the law
So before they break down my door
I'm taking a false name
And heading for the plane
But wherever I go I'll look over my shoulder
Ashamed of this thing I have done
And I have to face that my life is over
And I'll spend my days on the run
Forever in regret
For getting in this mess
Too late to clean up my act
And take that library book back
So wherever I go I'll look over my shoulder
Ashamed of this thing I have done
And I have to face that my life is over
And I'll spend my days on the run
And I have to face that my life is over
And I'll spend my days on the run
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5. |
Overthinkers Anonymous
04:06
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I can't stop thinking about yesterday
Did I offend those people who I met?
They really must think that I'm a loser
Because of that one word that I said
I know I shouldn't dwell
And I try to present myself well
But now they're going to tell me where to stick it
Please wait a minute while I overthink it
Well now I'm out I think I'll have a coffee
But I can't decide which type that I'll enjoy
Should I add a bit of demerara sugar?
Cow's milk, coconut or soy?
Will a muffin spoil my lunch?
Would I prefer a chocolate sponge?
Which table should I pick to sit and drink it?
Please wait a minute while I overthink it
We are overthinkers anonymous
It's a matter of our pride
Overthinkers anonymous
And we're going to get this right
So it's time to make a plan for the project
And I'm glad to see you're offering your help
But tell me what's the worst that could happen
And I bet I can come up with something else
So I'll make sure we're all prepared
Eyes wide open, stay aware
And though I know that you'd prefer us just to wing it
Please wait a minute while I overthink it
We are overthinkers anonymous
It's a matter of our pride
Overthinkers anonymous
And we're going to get this right
I wonder if another verse is needed
You might be getting fed up of this song!
But I've started now so I had better finish
What could possibly go wrong?
Should I add a solo? And If I do,
Is it on a harp a piano or a uke?
Was it a mistake to even sing it?
Please wait a minute while I overthink it
We are overthinkers anonymous
It's a matter of our pride
Overthinkers anonymous
And we're going to get this right
If you think the job is easy well you tell me
What colour the bikeshed ought to be
We are overthinkers anonymous
It's a matter of our pride
Overthinkers anonymous
And we're going to get this right
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6. |
The Lecturer
01:38
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Welcome to a new semester
You've got a lot to learn
Of the wonders of the universe
Before the end of term
I'm hear to tell you all the facts
Until your brain is full
I'll teach the most amazing things
And make them seem so dull
This subject fascinates me
So I hope you understand
And all the things I'm covering
Might be on the exam
It's exciting and surprising
Profound, intriguing, deep
Now open up your textbooks And
I'll send you all to sleep
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7. |
Dollis Hill
02:28
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The train has broken down at Dollis Hill
For half an hour we've been sitting still
We were heading north on the Jubilee
Then a flash and a bang and by my watch we've
Been thirty minutes stuck at Dollis Hill
Held in the front coach against our will
Power's gone and the door is jammed
Phone is flat and the train is rammed
With commuters who don't live in Dollis Hill
It might be several hours or more until
The engineers can drag us through
It wouldn't be so bad but there is no view
From the tunnel just outside of Dollis Hill
Where it's Gremlins one, London Transport nil
I shouldn't have had that second cup of tea
If we don't move soon we'll be knee deep
We're living out our lives in Dollis Hill
Hopes and dreams remaining unfulfilled
In the future we may find
A promise of the end of the line
Or any bleedin' where but Dollis Hill
Basingstoke would even be a thrill
If we make it out of this
Then Sunderland would seem like bliss
Thank goodness we're now back on the rails
But at Neasden the signal's failed...
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8. |
Progress Bar
02:47
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It'll take some time to sing you this song
And you probably want to know how long
So to help you know where we are
I've equipped it with a progress bar
There's two minutes left
There's two minutes left
There's five minutes left
There's one minute 48 left
I enlisted the help of some pros
The team who built the progress bar for Chrome
It's sure to estimate it right
So you know you won't be here all night
There's one minute 57 left
There's three minutes left
There's one hour left
Stalled
There's three days left
There's just a few seconds left
There's one minute left
Done
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9. |
Wait Five Seconds
02:44
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Jimmy was a busy lad with lots of work he had to do
But quick as he could get it done, there always would be more
With one hand typing on his keyboard, one hand on his lunch
He slipped and knocked his pasty on the floor
Well now he couldn't stop he couldn't get back to the shop
Though Jimmy was so hungry but he had no time to waste
With one hand typing on his keyboard one reached for the pie
Knowing eating it would surely still be safe
'cos while the germs might rush straight there
The king of the germs would then declare...
Keep away you must wait five seconds,
Wait five seconds, please stand back
You must be patient and wait five seconds,
Before you tuck into the snack
The little germs looked back at him and longing for the food demanded
"Why must we wait so long, why must you be so cruel"
But the word of their superior, the king of the bacteria,
Was, "Do it just because those are the rules"
So while the germs had rushed straight there
The king of the germs declared...
Keep away you must wait five seconds,
Wait five seconds, please stand back
You must be patient and wait five seconds,
Before you tuck into the snack
Are you like Jimmy do you believe
That germs follow rules obediently
And keep away and wait five seconds,
Wait five seconds, please stand back
That they are patient and wait five seconds,
Before they tuck into the snack
Keep away you must wait five seconds,
Wait five seconds, please stand back
You must be patient and wait five seconds,
Before you tuck into the snack
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10. |
The Bath
02:05
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Scott made his way to the foot of the world
Hillary climbed to the top
Cabot was first to traverse the Atlantic
And come back without getting lost
Gagarin set off in an orbiting rocket
Armstrong set foot on the Moon
If anyone's going to make it to Mars
I hope we'll find out pretty soon
But for all of their tales of adventure
I read of their efforts and laugh
For they never faced terrors like I did
When a spider crawled into the bath
A spider, a spider
A spider crawled into the bath
Boudica struggled to fight off the Romans
Canute tried to fight off the sea
Lands invaded and settlements raided
But none have faced horrors like me
They may have faced death and destruction
But nothing will ever surpass
My victory over the spider that was
Making its home in the bath
A spider, a spider
A spider crawled into the bath
A spider, a spider
A spider crawled into the bath
But for all of their tales of adventure
I read of their efforts and laugh
For they never faced terrors like I did
When a spider crawled into the bath
A spider, a spider
A spider crawled into the bath
A spider, a spider
A spider crawled into the bath
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11. |
She Stole My Heart
03:12
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Every day I wander
As the evening sun goes down
I walk through the old churchyard
At the quiet end of town
To get my thoughts in order
Before I go to bed
But I never planned to fall for the undead
For that is where I met her as she
Crawled out of her grave
She stole my heart and now
She wants to steal my brain
It was love at first bite
She caught me in her trap
I held her hand in mine
And then I gave it back
I gazed into her skull
As it sparkled in the moon
Before she led me to her tomb
For that is where I met her as she
Crawled out of her grave
She stole my heart and now
She wants to steal my brain
Well some say it's unnatural
And some will want to judge
But it's no-one else's business
How I'm going to fall in love
I met her in the churchyard as she
Crawled out of her grave
She stole my heart and now
She wants to steal my brain
Well I don't mean to brag and
You maybe think I'm vain,
But while some will go for looks I think
She wants me for my brain
Yeah, while some will go for looks I think
She wants me for my brain
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12. |
Skeleton
02:30
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Call the exorcist, dial 666
I think I might be possessed
I'm in shock on learning what
Is hiding beneath my chest
Because I went to the doctor
And could not believe my eyes
When I saw my X-ray it showed
A skeleton inside
A skeleton inside,
A skeleton inside,
I found out I have a skeleton inside
A skeleton inside,
A skeleton inside,
I'm harbouring a skeleton inside
Panic stricken, pulse has quickened
Never been so scared
What has happened to me?
How did that get there?
But the doctor said it's normal
By way of calm reply
Told me everybody's walking around
With a skeleton inside
A skeleton inside,
A skeleton inside,
All walking round with a skeleton inside
A skeleton inside,
A skeleton inside,
They're haunted by a skeleton inside
Who needs ghosts and zombies
You'll all be terrified!
Come down to spooky town
Where we all have a skeleton inside
A skeleton inside,
A skeleton inside,
Everyone like me with a skeleton inside
A skeleton inside,
A skeleton inside,
Possessed by a skeleton inside
And everyone's posessed by
A skeleton inside
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13. |
Reincarnated
02:42
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Your life will one day be over
No matter how hard you try
You can eat all those salads but just like your taxes
It's only a matter of time
And you may wonder what happens next?
A new life to look forward to?
Come back as a pigeon a squirrel or penguin
A parrot, a Norewegian blue?
If you could be reincarnated
What do you think you would be?
If you could be reincarnated
Are there new things that you'd want to see?
You could come back as your cat or your dog
And you'd be unconditionally loved
Or maybe a lion or tiger or shark
Tasting the raw meat and blood
Maybe have flippers or talons
Maybe a creature that flies
Maybe you wish you could see in the dark
Using one of your twelve thousand eyes
If you could be reincarnated
What do you think you would be?
If you could be reincarnated
Are there new things that you'd want to see?
Well I think you should be more creative
There's more to this universe
Than anything living in sky, land or sea
On our little blue planet Earth
So I'd want to live in a galaxy
As much as can be unlike ours
But please at the top of the food chain
And with tentacles, just because
If you could be reincarnated
What do you think you would be?
If you could be reincarnated
Are there new things that you'd want to see?
If the choice were totally free
I'm sure that you would agree
To have tentacles just like me
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14. |
Rivendell
01:31
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The entrance hall to Rivendell
Was as tidy as it had ever been
When you're hosting a council of elders
The place must be beautifully clean
They'd used up a whole tin of Brasso
Cleared all the dust from the stairs
The glass door had been scrubbed so hard
You could hardly tell it was there
I suppose that's what made Frodo
With his mind on higher things
Try to walk right through it
While fidgeting with the ring
So Frodo take care on your journey
Repeat that and you're damaging the cause
Let's be clear, heed the words of Boromir
One does not simply walk into more doors
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JT Steam Scotland, UK
JT Steam is an academic by day who writes nerdy folk songs by night with an ever growing collection of ukuleles.
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