1. |
Champion Of The World
03:28
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I'd like you to meet a friend of mine
And listen to his tales
As he sits at the barroom table
Nursing his golden ale
Recounting how he'd take on the best
And travel far and wide
He's lived an extraordinary life
You wouldn't think it to look at him now
But when he was in his prime he was
The Rock Paper Scissors Champion of the World
In Nineteen seventy nine
He was unseeded that year
Thought he was out of the hunt
His rock had become predictable
His scissors always blunt
But he fought his way to the final
And when it was time to decide
The paper he threw was inspired
And when the top players came up against him
They felt he was reading their mind, he was
The Rock Paper Scissors Champion of the World
In Nineteen seventy nine
Reliving his former glories
With a wistful look in his eyes
Don't play him for money
He'll take the prize
And you wouldn't think it to look at him now
But when he was in his prime he was
The Rock Paper Scissors Champion of the World
In Nineteen seventy nine, he was
The Rock Paper Scissors Champion of the World
In Nineteen seventy nine
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2. |
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Left or right, life is a maze
Always running, stay in the chase
Can't stand still or you're caught in a trap
Got to know your way round the map
Stay alert and earn your keep,
In every corner there's something to eat
Be good, clear your plate
Power up, keep the spectres at bay
And your reward for every success
Is the more you win the faster life gets
So level up, there's nowhere to hide
From Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde
Slay your demons, ward off the ghosts,
Relax for a couple of seconds at most
For three (high) score levels and ten
They're always back to haunt you again
Like Patrick McGoohan fleeing from Rover
It's when not if your game is over
Escape to the east, back on the west
No time to Pac-up and get some rest
And your reward for every success
Is the more you win the faster life gets
So level up, there's nowhere to hide
From Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde
Like Patrick McGoohan fleeing from Rover
It's when not if your game is over
Escape to the left, back on the right
Stay in the Shadows keep out of sight
And your reward for every success
Is the more you win the faster life gets
So level up, there's nowhere to hide
From Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde
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3. |
Trans Neptunian Objects
03:17
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For almost a century Pluto was
A planet, one of the nine
It had a sort of unusual orbit
But still they all got on just fine
But one day because of its size, they said
That's no planet, is it?
Then they decided to send New Horizons
To pay the dwarf a visit
Pluto was understandably miffed
To have been taken down a peg
And as the spacecraft did its flypast
This is what Pluto said,
I never wanted to be in your gang,
Even though you think you are so cool,
But we're the Trans Neptunian Objects and
There's more of us than of you
There's Eris and Sedna, Lempo, Varuna,
Gonggong and Niku and Drac,
Ixion, Orcus and Rhadamanthus
And thousands of others like that
I don't need to be part of your club
Me and my moons are okay
Charon, Styx, Hydra, Kerberos, Nix
We're happy out here with our mates
You can call me whatever you like
It's hardly sticks and stones
But we're the Trans Neptunian Objects and
The Kuiper Belt is our home
There's Eris and Sedna, Lempo, Varuna,
Gonggong and Niku and Drac,
Ixion, Orcus and Rhadamanthus
And thousands of others like that
There's Arrokoth, Biden and Farout and Albion,
Quaoar, and Ceto and Zhulong
Chaos, Haumea, and several with names that are
Hard to pronounce 'cos they're too long
We don't want to join your party
We don't care about your rules
We're the Trans Neptunian Objects and
There's more of us than of you
There's Eris and Sedna, Lempo, Varuna,
Gonggong and Niku and Drac,
Ixion, Orcus and Rhadamanthus
And thousands of others like that
There's Arrokoth, Biden and Farout and Albion,
Quaoar, and Ceto and Zhulong
Chaos, Haumea, and several with names that are
Hard to pronounce 'cos they're too long
We're the Trans Neptunian Objects and
There's more of us than of you
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4. |
Pictures Of Cats
03:01
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All of human knowledge, everything we've done
There when you're working or when you're having fun
Use it when you've got a problem that you need to fix
To learn a new skill or the latest tips and tricks
It's there with the facts for you when you are in doubt but
That's not what the internet is really all about
Pictures of cats! Pictures of cats!
Cats on roombas chasing ducks and cats in silly hats
Cats flushing the lavatory, cats stuck in the bath
The internet was made for your pictures of cats
Check the weather, keep up with the news
Book a holiday, a flight or a cruise
Use it to see what to do at the weekend
Or use it to communicate when you need a friend
See what's on the telly or check the cricket scores
But you know what the internet is really for
Pictures of cats! Pictures of cats!
Cats on roombas chasing ducks and cats in silly hats
Cats flushing the lavatory, cats stuck in the bath
The internet was made for your pictures of cats
Cats that play the piano
Cats that know how to dance
When they switched on the ARPANET in 1969
You can bet there was only one thing on their mind
Pictures of cats! Pictures of cats!
Cats doing the shopping, cats teaching a class
Cats chasing lasers and cats stuck in the flap
The internet is there for your pictures of cats
Pictures of cats! Pictures of cats!
Cats on roombas chasing ducks and cats in silly hats
Cats flushing the lavatory, cats stuck in the bath
The internet was made for your pictures of cats
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5. |
Keyboard Warriors
03:20
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Teachers always yelling
Homework never done
Bullying the smart kids
Because they try to learn
But when you get home from school
You're nobody's fool
As a Keyboard Warrior,
Bravely logging on
Keyboard Warriors,
Righting every wrong
Boss does not respect you
Work is just a chore
Waiting for the evening
Ready for the war
When you go home every night
To your secret double life
You're a Keyboard Warrior,
Setting twitter straight
Keyboard Warrior,
On a mission of fear and hate
Keyboard Warrior
Boldly venting spleen
Keyboard Warrior,
Stationed at your screen
Nerdy kids and introverts
Have super powers too
Become heroes of art and science,
But still a special few
Become Keyboard Warriors...
Bravely logging in
Keyboard Warriors,
Disputing everything
Keyboard Warriors...
Boldly venting spleen
Keyboard Warriors,
Hiding behind their screen
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6. |
Poetical Science
04:00
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Countess of Lovelace,
Byron's child
Enchantress of numbers,
Who yearned to fly
Bride of Science, with
A brilliant mind
Sharing ideas,
Ahead of her time
I can't give you poetry, but if it's all the same to you,
Poetical science, that'll have to do
Numbers, said Ada,
Are there all around
In any process,
In pictures and sound
I can't give you poetry, but if it's all the same to you,
Poetical science, that'll have to do
Unseen worlds around us,
Slide into view
The future was coming,
And Ada knew
I can't give you poetry, but if it's all the same to you,
Poetical science, that'll have to do
I can't give you poetry, but if it's all the same to you,
Poetical science, that'll have to do
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7. |
When I Was In School
04:14
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When I was four years old I began my education
To learn about society and all its expectations
Learn to read and write, to add and multiply,
Eat my greens and not to answer back and not to cry
I learned how to spell, and how to long divide
How to run around a field far too many times
How to pay attention and how to follow rules
This is what they taught me when I was in school
I learned these things for my exams,
and so of course I passed,
But there's so many things
That I wish I'd learned in class
Like How to put up shelves without nailing through a cable
How to read instructions to set up a flatpack table
How to deal with bullies when they're frightening and cruel
No-one told me these things when I was in school
Willy, Willy, Harry, Ste, Harry, Dick, John, Harry Three
I learned the kings of England and about the Bayeux Tapestry
I learned that Jean-Paul Marat died in his bath,
I learned that zinc and copper are the metals that make brass.
I learned these things for my exams,
and so of course I passed,
But there's so many things
That I wish I'd learned in class
Like How to put up shelves without nailing through a cable
How to read instructions to set up a flatpack table
How to deal with bullies when they're frightening and cruel
No-one told me these things when I was in school
Before your school days are through
Learn a life skill or two
Like never block the doorway after entering a shop,
No-one wants to hear the gory details of your op,
Just because it's on the 'net it doesn't make it knowledge,
You need to understand that when you get out of college
And while I'm here...
If a politician said it then it's probably not true
Remember that everything is not all about you
Still no-one gets to tell you how you have to live your life
It's up to you if you want children and a wife
No-one's ever argued on the internet and won
Remember that your hobbies are just a bit of fun
Sing as loud as you like, use your two left feet and dance,
Every human being deserves an equal chance
Sing as loud as like, use your two left feet and dance
Every human being deserves an equal chance
Shout it from the rooftops, break all the rules,
No-one told me these things when I was in school
No-one told me these things when I was in school
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8. |
Skimming Stones
03:34
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The kids are building castles in the sand
The mums and dads are strolling hand in hand
The seagulls eye the picnics, waiting for their chance
A family's at the kiosk for ice cream
A hardy soul is swimming in the sea
While I sift through the shingle
As I wander on my own
Trying to find a rock the perfect shape for skimming stones
Frisbees flying as they catch the wind
Sunbathers show off their bronzing skin
And I sift through the shingle
As I wander on my own
Trying to find a rock the perfect shape for skimming stones
The sky is fading out from blue to red
Folks are heading home to find their bed
I still sift through the shingle
And wander on my own
Trying to find a rock the perfect shape for skimming stones
If I can score a ten, then I'll meander home
Till then I'll fill the hours at the shoreline skimming stones
I'll while away the hours at the shoreline skimming stones
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9. |
Pants On Fire
03:37
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Sorry I missed the deadline,
I've got so much to do
I'll help you out when I can
Honestly, it's true
I've never seen her face before,
Who that is, I don't know
No-one threw a party, and anyway
If they did I didn't go
Lying to your colleagues, lying to your mates,
Lying to your family, with a poker face,
Lying on the radio, lying to the press,
No-one would believe you If you said the sea was wet
I've nothing to be ashamed of
I followed all the rules
I'd never mislead the house
I am not a crook
Lying to your colleagues, lying to your mates,
Lying to your family, with a poker face,
Lying on the radio, lying to the press,
No-one would believe you If you said the sea was wet
I can tell when you're lying, I never doubt
It's when your lips move, and words are coming out
Lying to your colleagues, lying to your mates,
Lying to your family, with a poker face,
Lying on the radio, lying to the press,
No-one would believe you If you said the sea was wet
Liar, liar,
Pants on fire,
Liar, liar,
Pants on fire
Lying to your colleagues, lying to your mates,
Lying to your family, with a poker face,
Lying on the radio, lying to the press,
No-one would believe you If you said the sea was wet
Liar, liar,
Pants on, fire,
Liar, liar,
Pants on fire
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10. |
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Thank the Lord it's 5pm
I thought that meeting wouldn't end
So before I go home to eat
I think I've earned a little treat
I'll have One beer then I'll go home
One beer then I'll go home
Just one beer, the bus'll soon be here,
I'll have one beer then I'll go home
I've got my pint of IPA
It's a gentle way to end the day
Do the crossword, eat a pack of nuts
Oops, I think I missed the bus
I suppose I'll have One more beer then I'll go home
One more beer then I'll go home
Just one more, then I'll walk out the door,
I'll have one more beer then I'll go home
Dave just waved at me and smiled
I haven't seen him for a while
I'll wander over for a chat
Just another pint, and then that's that
I'll have One more beer then I'll go home
One more beer then I'll go home
Just one more, then I'll walk out the door,
I'll have one more beer then I'll go home
A band's now lugging in their rig
I didn't realise there would be a gig
I'll hear a couple of their songs
I won't stay very long
I'll just have One more beer then I'll go home
One more beer then I'll go home
Just one more, then I'll walk out the door,
I'll have one more beer then I'll go home
One more beer then I'll go home
One more beer then I'll go home
Just one more, then I'll walk out the door,
Just one quickly, then finish with a whisky,
Maybe a kebab then I'll call a cab
I'll have one more beer then I'll go home
One more beer then I'll go home
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11. |
(Unbalanced Parenthesis
02:56
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They had unfinished business in this life
So they didn't pass on to the other side
They'll torment you in all sorts of ways
While they try to punish you from beyond the grave
They've got ways to avenge your evil deeds
Like banging on your pipework while you try to sleep
There's so many things already drive you up the wall
So now I wonder who ya gonna call?
When they haunt you like
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis would
You're going to regret causing so much pain
When they give mediums initials instead of their full name
You can't stand an apostrophe in the wrong position
So how will you cope with a phantom apparition
Who's going to haunt you like
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis would
They're going to haunt you like
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis would
They're going to haunt you like
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced parenthesis
An unbalanced paren-
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12. |
Ten Billion Years
03:38
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When the world is getting you down
You're feeling lost in the crowd
You're trying to think but your focus is gone because
People are talking too loud
When you're wishing for quiet and peace
You're feeling there is no release
From the small talk, the chatter, the gossip and dirt,
Console yourself that at least...
Nothing lasts forever
So let them have their fun
It all will be over in 10 billion years,
When the Earth is engulfed by the Sun
You're feeling rushed off your feat
A bout to admit defeat
You're wishing for forty eight hours in the day
To get all your duties complete
You feel you've got too much to do
And you think there's no spare time to lose
And there's never a chance to sit down and relax
Well please take a different view
And take your time don't hurry
Be sure to have your fun
There'll be silence for most of the 10 billion years,
Till the Earth is engulfed by the sun.
You're not just along for the ride
Our lives are a blink of an eye
Nothing lasts forever
Be sure to have your fun
It all will be over in 10 billion years,
When the Earth is engulfed by the Sun
It all will be over in 10 billion years,
When the Earth is engulfed by the Sun
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JT Steam Scotland, UK
JT Steam is an academic by day who writes nerdy folk songs by night with an ever growing collection of ukuleles.
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